Rednecks
You know if you’re a redneck if…
1- Your dad walks you to school because you’re both in the same grade
2- Your Christmas stocking is full of ammo
3- You go to church to pick up women
4- Your dog passes wind and you claim it
5- You think that the stock market has a fence around it
6- You can tell your age by the number of rings around the bathtub
7- You think that paprika is a third world country
8- The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day
9- You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them
10- You have ever used lard in bed
11- You own all the components of soap-on-a-rope except the soap
12- You were taught to put your underwear on: yellow in front and brown to the rear
13- Birds are attracted to your beard
14- You house has wheels but your car doesn’t
15- Your pocket-knife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A
16- When a sign says ‘Say No To Crack’ reminds you to pull up your pants
17- Your bathroom deodoriser is a box of matches
18- You own a homemade fur coat
19- The same pair of boots has been in your family for five generations and they are only 30 years old
20- There’s a wasps nest in your living room
21- Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job: primer grey and primer red
22- Bikers back down from your mother
23- There has been crime-scene tape across your front door
24- The fifth year is referred to as your ‘senior year’
25- Your wedding was held in a delivery room
26- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat
27- Your toilet paper has page numbers on it
28- You think that the mountain men in Deliverance were just ‘misunderstood’
29- You have bathed with flea and tick soap
30- Your e-mail address ends with ‘over.yonder.com’
31- You go Christmas shopping for your mother, sister and girlfriend and only need to buy one gift
32- You have used scissor on your food
33- You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature
34- Your good deed for the month was to hide your brother for a few days
35- There’s a gun rack on your bicycle
36- You can recite every line in ‘The Dukes Of Hazards’
37- Your wife weighs more than your fridge
38- More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general
39- You have ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow
40- Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board
41- Your family tree doesn’t fork
42- Your bathroom is a nearby creek
43- Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive
44- The Salvation Army rejects your mattress
45- There’s a stuffed possum somewhere in your house
46- You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader
47- You mow your lawn and find a car
48- Your wife’s best shoes have steel toes
49- Your idea of a neighbourhood watch scheme is tuning into America’s most wanted
50- You have a special baseball cap for formal occasions
51- You’ve never paid for a haircut
52- Your dog acts as a dishwasher
53- You had to remove your toothpick for wedding photos
54- You consider your license plate to be personalised because your dad made it in prison
55- Your favourite T-shirt is offensive in 19 states
56- You think that a computer hacker carries an axe
57- You’ve ever been involved in a custody
battle over a hunting dog
What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck? The good ol’ boy
raises livestock, the redneck gets emotionally involved
What’s the best redneck pick-up line? Nice tooth
What’s redneck foreplay? Hey, sis, get in the back of the truck